Girls bathrooms
Our first copywriting task was to go up to a group of people and start a conversation regarding a certain topic, in order to help us with creating out stand up comedy assignment. As i approached a group of friends (both male and female) i decided to spontaneously blurt out “every time i visit a female bathroom, i die a little more inside, I’m starting to lose faith in the female species.” this of course started a whole debate of what actually takes place in a girls bathroom. Lets just say the male species knew nothing.
I have created a story which sums up every girls experience when visiting the girls bathroom, whether you are the victim or the guilty one, the story never changes.
A bathroom break is never a bathroom break without a line about 1km long, it just wouldn’t be right to enter the doors without standing in a line of sweaty girls either wanting to pee their pants, chunder their bowels out or simply stare at themselves in the mirror convincing themselves that they really aren’t thaaat drunk. As you stand patiently waiting for your turn to do your business you being to hear some interesting things. Firstly there is ALWAYS that group of girls who think their need to pee is far more important than anyone else’s, as if their bladders are made out of gold, and who try and stumble their way to the front of the line, before some fearless bitch puts them into place using vigorous hand gestures. Then you get the “you’re toooo good for him” crew featuring the sobbing female who has nothing but black smudges all over her face and snot running out of her nose. What i find so interesting about this particular group of girls is that we all know someone or have been the victim in this ‘you’re to good for him crew’ yet in that moment of self pity and feeling like the only thing you’ll ever be able to turn on again is a microwave is that, we still believe the shallow bullshit our friends feed us, instead of just realizing he’s a douch or simply just not that into you…anyway…sidetracked…
As you zone back into reality, you realize the porcelain seats are near as the sweet smell of urine, chunder and cheap perfume enter your nostrils, and in that moment you wonder if you should just turn around and leave, however you feel your bladder harden as your sudden urge to pee increases, and then you enter and you think to yourself, if only males could see this…
upon entry you are greeted by the sweet sounds of cursing, gagging, peeing, whaling, screeching and the absence of normal conversation. As you wait patiently for the next door to open, you pray that whoever exits the stall is sane and merely wanted to pee just like you, instead however, a girl with ripped stocking, greasy hair and a skirt which barely covers her female ‘bits’ stumbles out shouting, “wow i wouldn’t go in there it smells so bad, the chick before me must have pooed or chundered, gross”- what a terrible lie, it was you bitch, just admit it and move on. As you enter the stall, there is a fresh layer of newly produced vomit and a toilet that doesn’t flush. greaaat. As you position your feet around the vomit and position yourself directly over the toilet in the famous squat position, you suddenly curse yourself for not doing more squats at the gym and pray that your legs don’t buckle under the pressure of your well deserved pee. As you reach completion, you think of how many calories you burned squatting and that makes your wait feel more worth while. Whilst exiting to go wash your hands, you notice a girl using toilet spray as deodorant, another girl using the hand towel as a face wipe and vomit remover, a self confident girl hogging the mirror to look at her ass, a group of girls applying make up which in fact makes them look worse than before and lastly that group of IDIOTS who insist on taking group shots in the bathroom-really classy ladies. As you walk outside you see one of your male friends waiting in disgust and utter irritation asking why you took so long to pee, you shudder, laugh and think to yourself,
you’ll never believe me if i told you.
